Asking for help is a sign of strength

“We all need help from time to time, yes, even you” – Core Confidence

Asking for help is often the last thing we consider when we’re feeling overwhelmed — even though so many of us are exceptional at helping others. Women have been conditioned since they were little girls that their role is to support and help others, to be selfless and to put others first. It’s no wonder that so many women find it hard to ask for or to accept help.

And so, the inevitable cycle continues, trying to do it all, maintaining the ‘superwoman persona’ and avoiding asking for help for fear of looking weak or incompetent. But the reality is that being a super human is simply unsustainable and in our experience will inevitably lead to burnout or breakdowns. Learning how to ask for help from a place of personal power is an important leadership skill, with the added bonus that it increases your confidence and in most cases the quality of outcomes.

The importance of being in good exchange (reciprocity)

The Cambridge dictionary defines reciprocity as ‘the behaviour in which two people or groups of people give each other help and advantages’. When the only role you play in a relationship is to give, you inevitably miss out on the other person (or people’s) knowledge, ideas, kindness and skills, and deny them the opportunity to serve. This means that the relationship is out of balance (or exchange) and can sometimes lead to disappointment and resentment over time.

Asking for help, weakness or strength?

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness; in fact, held well, it’s actually a strength. The key is to own the individual value and strengths that you bring to the table AND leverage the talents of others in areas where you don’t have a natural interest or capacity. Playing to your strengths AND the strengths of others puts you in a win-win situation.

A happiness trifecta

When we ask clients how they feel when helping others, we often hear the words ‘heart-warming’ ‘appreciated’, ‘worth every bit of time and energy’ and it was ‘amazing to watch a friend succeed and see the joy on their face’.

Now think about the last time you struggled through a situation or task. How much time, energy, and money did you waste trying to complete it all on your own? If you shared your experience with friends or colleagues later, how many of them would have said, “Why didn’t you call me?!”

In our book, Core Confidence, we devote a whole chapter to Asking for Help because we know that it is integral to women achieving their leadership ambitions AND it has a huge impact on their personal life.

Science proves that the act of giving (& helping) results in happiness. Dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin all make up the happiness trifecta when it comes to the chemistry in our body. And giving impacts all three chemicals, which is why we are more inclined to give wherever we can. We owe it to ourselves and those around us to unpack the roadblocks that stop us for asking for help so that everyone has the opportunity to gain confidence and well-being through the act of service.

The catch? You have to ask!
So, how do you get good at asking for help?

Step 1: Start small
Practise asking for help on small tasks (a small act of confidence!) This can be in the form of feedback on a piece of work or asking for guidance from a colleague over coffee. There are many ways to ask for help in the workplace; here are a few to get you started:

• Could I ask your advice about …?
• Could you help me with …?
• I have a complex problem and need some different perspectives. Could I run it by you?
• I’m inspired by what you do. Could I ask how you got to where you are over coffee?
• I’ve been reading about … and I don’t quite understand … would you mind sharing your perspective
• Could you show me how to …?
• What is your opinion on …?
• How could I do …..differently, so that I ……..?

Step 2: Pay attention to any roadblocks
When struggling with a task, take a minute to reflect on what the obstacles are or why it feels so hard. It may be that you’re not used to asking for help or that it feels really uncomfortable. Rather than avoiding the discomfort, we invite you to stay with it and unpack why it feels so difficult for you.

Notice where you find it easy to ask for help and where you find it difficult. Get curious about why that may be. What is going on for you in the dynamics where asking for help feels nearly impossible?

Step 3: Fair exchange
Social etiquette implies that we repay all favours, gifts, invitations and help in the future. This in itself can act as a barrier to asking for help. If we feel like we will owe someone something, psychologically, we may be biased towards doing it on our own, to avoid the uncomfortable feeling that we owe the other person something.

Be conscious of this invisible scorecard and ask:

• Is there anything you can do in return that would balance out the equation?
• What would a fair exchange be in their eyes?

Sometimes the process of explicitly asking these questions can extinguish the unconscious requirements to reciprocate, and in order to achieve this, it’s important to be clear about expectations.

“Imagine a world where you recognise your limits but also the incredible potential of collective strength.”

Step 4: Don’t be afraid of no
If the person you have asked for help cannot assist, thank them for their time and pat yourself on the back because asking is progress! Recognise that if someone declines the offer to help you, they are likely exercising healthy boundaries, and you have to respect their time. Every now and again, you will have to decline opportunities to help; that’s life!

Step 5: Show authentic appreciation
Explicitly share with the giver the impact of their help. Sometimes this may be a short message or even a small token of your appreciation (handwritten thank you notes are often an unexpected surprise). Helping others understand the impact or value their help had can positively impact on their day or even week!

To learn more, watch the series of Ask for Help below.

Asking for help is a great way to build and engage your network. We know from experience, that the more you are willing to ask for help the quicker you deepen relationships and extend your network. In fact, asking for help becomes easier each time you do it, so start now. What’s one small request, one small ask you could do today at work or at home that would make a difference to your day or week?

We see the incredible power of women learning from and with each other in a group program that offers psychological safety to explore why so many of us find asking for help so difficult. To learn more about this, read our blog Connected and Confident: The Transformative Power of Learning in Community.

If you’re ready to stop doing it all alone and want to build confidence by asking for support, email us at [email protected].

If you’re feeling stuck, overwhelmed or just know it’s time for a shift, let’s talk. Book a Confidence Breakthrough call at https://coreconfidence.com.au/book-a-call/ and take the first step toward doing things differently.

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