“We all need help from time to time, yes, even you” – Core Confidence

 

From an early age, we are taught the lesson of giving with very few, if any, lessons on how to receive. The idea of receiving (or taking) has often been seen as selfishness, and so we try to avoid it at all costs. Asking for help falls into this category. In an attempt to maintain the ‘superwoman persona’ (thinking you can do it all), asking for help is viewed as a sign of weakness. But the reality is these ‘super people’ are not so super in certain areas. These include sharing the load effectively, role modelling collaboration and avoiding burnout. Learning how to ask for help from a place of personal power increases your confidence. In this post, we will share how you do that.

The importance of reciprocity

The Cambridge dictionary defines reciprocity as ‘the behaviour in which two people or groups of people give each other help and advantages’. When you perform all the giving in a relationship, you not only miss out on the other person’s knowledge, ideas, kindness and skills, but you also deny them the opportunity to give.

Asking for help, weakness or strength?

Asking for help is not a sign of weakness; it’s actually a strength. The key is to name, claim and aim the strengths you possess and leverage the talents of others in areas in which you don’t have a natural interest or capacity. Playing to your own strengths AND others’ strengths puts you in a  win-win situation when asking for and offering help.

A happiness trifecta

When we ask clients how they feel when helping others, we often hear the words “satisfying”, “worth every bit of time and energy”, “amazing to watch a friend succeed and see the appreciation on their face”.

Now think about the last time you struggled through a situation or task. How much time, energy, and money did you waste trying to complete it on your own? If you shared your experience with friends or colleagues later, how many of them would say, “Why didn’t you call me?!”

Science proves that the act of giving (& helping)  results in happiness. Dopamine, serotonin and oxytocin all make up the happiness trifecta when it comes to the chemistry in our body. And giving impacts all three chemicals, which is why we are more inclined to give where we can. We owe it to ourselves and those around us to implement reciprocity where possible so that everyone has the opportunity to gain confidence and well-being through giving. 

The catch? You have to ask! 

Step 1: Start small

Practise asking for help on small tasks (a small act of confidence!) This can be in the form of feedback on a piece of work, or asking for guidance from a colleague over coffee. There are many ways to ask for help in the workplace, and here are a few to help you get started:

  • Could I ask your advice about …?
  • Could you help me with …?
  • I have a complex problem and need guidance. Could I run it by you?
  • I’m inspired by what you do. Could I ask how you got to where you are over coffee?
  • I’ve been reading about … and I don’t quite understand … what do you think?
  • Could you show me how to …?
  • What is your opinion on …?
  • How could I improve …? 
Step 2: Pay attention to obstacles

When struggling with a task, take a minute to reflect on what the obstacles are or why this feels so hard. Think about what is required for you to move forward and who can help you achieve this. 

Step 3: Fair exchange

Social etiquette implies we repay all favours, gifts, invitations and help in the future. This in itself can act as a barrier to asking for help – if we feel like we will owe someone something, psychologically, we will want to do it on our own. 

Be conscious of this invisible scorecard and ask:

  • What would be a fair exchange in their eyes?
  • Is there anything you can offer in return?

Sometimes the process of explicitly asking these questions can extinguish the unconscious requirements to reciprocate, but in order to achieve this, you must talk about expectations.

Step 4: Don’t be afraid of no

If the person you have asked for help cannot assist, thank them for their time and pat yourself on the back because asking is progress! Recognise that if someone declines the offer to help you, they are exercising healthy boundaries, and you have to respect their time. Every now and again, you will have to decline opportunities to help; that’s life! 

Step 5: Show authentic appreciation

Explicitly share with the giver the impact of their help. Sometimes this may be a short message or even a small token of your appreciation. Ensuring they know the value of their help can positively impact their day or even week!

 

Identify your TEAM

A great way to reconnect with your personal and professional goals is to identify your TEAM (Together Everyone Achieves More). Not all of the people in your team will be one-to-one relationships; sure, some may require in-person catch-ups, but others may take the form of reading books, attending a free webinar, or reading blog posts. What is important is the conscious, proactive focus of bringing these people into your sphere of influence and the intention that is set for each relationship.

Many hands make light work

Reframing what it means to ask for help will give you the confidence to start asking your community for advice and support. Remember, we need each other to succeed, whether personally or professionally.